“Necessity is the mother of invention.”

I don’t really remember who said that. Actually, I don’t think I ever knew. What I do know is that this saying refers to about 2 percent of actual inventions.

Take for example, the Space Shuttle. Why was it invented? “Well David, because it was necessary to go to the moon, duh.” To that I say, “FOLLY.” Nobody needed to go to the moon. But for some inexplicable reason, we wanted to.

Another example, the automobile. When it came around, was it because it was really needed? Nope. It was just kind of neat, and eventually got to the point where it was a lot easier (and faster) than keeping a horse or two around and taking an entire weekend to “go to town”.

So what am I getting at here? Well, there are some things that are invented because they’re wanted. And there are some things that are invented to make things more efficient. But there are some things that are invented that absolutely nobody in the history of the world will ever need; on top of that, it’s questionable if they actually make life more efficient at all. Things that people see in the grocery store that have been marketed just right to convince them, “That could be handy” or “I need that”.

And one by one as I discover them, I’m going to share them. Starting with:

1. The Avocado Slicer

As you may have guessed, this little doo-dad is meant to make the tedious chore of cutting your avocados into slices so much easier. Because, you know, that was such a hassle before.

So lets hit the obvious issue right off the bat. Here we have a special utensil designed specifically to make enjoying the most delicious vegetable (fruit?) on the planet a little extra convenient. Problem is, it doesn’t cut through the leathery obstacle standing between you and happiness. You still have to use a knife to cut the avocado in half. That’s right — the same instrument you would normally use to make slices out of avocados you have to use anyways.

After you’ve sullied your knife, that’s where this thing comes in. You scoop into the peel at one end, drag it to the other side, and voila! Sliced avocados. By comparison, you’d normally have to use a boring old spoon to scoop out the scrumptious innards and then hand slice it like five whole times. Unacceptable. So instead of taking another, say, five seconds to use a knife and dirty a spoon in the process, you save that precious time and dirty the Slicocado (trademark, me).

… so basically, this thing is stupid.

Look at it. Anyone who’s ever partaken of the heavenly fruit (vegetable?) before knows it’s going to leave residue in those crevices. And if you’ve never had avocados older than six hours, you’re in for a nasty surprise. On the other hand, you can just lick the spoon and throw it back in the drawer (what, you guys don’t do that? Rewind back to the beginning of this process. You open the silverware drawer to get the knife you don’t have a choice but to use, and you dig around for your Slicocado. Not there. Crap, now you have to go trudging through the “everything else” drawer, complete with jar opener, can opener, whisk you use only on holidays, tongs that are way too long to be practical, and that weird clamshell/flower doohickey you don’t know what to use for anything. How long did that take? Five seconds? Maybe more? Or, you could reach into the pocket next to the knife and grab a trusty spoon. Man that was… convenient.

Alright, so you get my point, right? As catchy as the name is, there’s really no point to owning a Slicocado unless your actual job requires you to meet a quota of avocado slices per hour (to which I say, you’re lying). But no, I’m not done beating this dead horse yet. Because I have to know:

Who the balls eats sliced avocados?

On a sandwich maybe, like, every other week at the very most. Possibly a salad. But I guarantee you out at least 99% of all avocados end up contributing to a single dish: guacamole. You know what someone should invent? An avocado smasher that can single-handedly peel and smash it into a substance that’s a few spices away from being chip-ready. Not that, you know, the old knife-and-spoon combo is such a big hassle as it is. But if you’re going to create an entirely new tool to take up kitchen space, might as well make it as useful as possible.

This thing goes for six bucks. On a good day, that will buy you 12 avocados. Abstract piece of plastic…. or a dozen meal-sized servings of guacamole. Do you even have to think about it?

How about this; for the same amount of money you spend on two Slicocados (one for someone you obviously don’t care about), you could give a family in the Philippines two ducks, so they can, you know, survive.

So Leonard (which I’m sure your name is), the next time you sit down to invent something new, try to come up with something more useful like the Guaca-smasher (trademark, me) instead of this… crap.

Necessity might be the mother of invention, but lazy is the inventor of stupid.

One thought on “Useless Inventions: The Anti-Spoon

  1. I purchased one of these a few years back convinced that it would make my avocado and grilled cheese sandwich habit more convenient. Turns out not so much. While I am impressed at your foresight into the serious shortfalls of this instrument as a slicer, you might actually find it handy as a Smashocado as this guy’s blades act more as tiny plows than the blades of glory for which I had been hoping.

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