If my life had gone much differently than it has and I had followed through with a brief 6th grade itch to become a professional skateboarder, these are the gnarly vows I would’ve made to what would’ve been my totally rad bride.

“Helga,

The first time I saw noticed you, you were riding goofy-stance.
I thought, “Hey, she’s goofy like me.” I had no idea.
When you punched a cop and got arrested, I knew you were the one.
I kicked him in the ribs so I could keep you company.

The first time I held your hand was on our way to the emergency room.
I busted my head open trying to jump way too many stairs.
I was trying to impress you.
It totally worked.

The first time we kissed was your birthday.
I bought you new trucks because you complained your old ones were squeaky.
You didn’t think I was listening, but I was.
Your squeaky trucks are the only ones I ever listened to.

And now we’re finally here.
Ready to make the big drop in on the half-pipe of life together.
There’s no one I’d rather be skating with.
Except maybe Tony Hawk, but he’s taken.

I, David, take you, Helga, to be my goofy-footed wife.
To ride and to wreck from this day forward,
For ollie or for nollie,
For kickflip, for heelflip,
In street skating and in verts,
To grind and to boardslide, never to bail,
Even when our grip tape has gone smooth.”

P.S. Real skaters out there feel free to use this. Just do us all the courtesy of videotaping it and sharing. Ride on.

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