Yesterday the Internet caught my attention with an article titled ‘Dating Tips from Johnny Depp’. Obviously I’m keen on having the vast majority of women (and to a lesser extent, men) find me unflinchingly irresistible, so I clicked it. I figured any words of wisdom from Capn Jack were bound to do some semblance of good in one way or another.

What followed was the biggest disappointment this side of the Lost finale.

The five “tips” listed weren’t from Depp at all, but some random internet hobo using him as the shining example for five of the most generic suggestions in existence. Stuff like, “Do Your Own Thing” and “Be Original” were some of the contrived street signs pointing readers towards an imaginary state of coupled bliss. It was like reading an episode of Glee.

That’s when I had a mini-revelation: being attractive to the opposite sex isn’t about what you do, it’s about what you look like. If that sounds shallow, that’s because it is, and everyone is, to some extent, shallow. I’ll explain.

This is Brooklyn Decker:

In this photo, Brooklyn Decker is picking her nose, an activity that is universally understood as being gross. But in this picture, it’s not gross. In fact, it’s downright adorable. You know why? Because on one end of that finger is an attractive woman and on the other is a body featured on last year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover. In cardshark-speak, her Ace of “I’m Hot” beats the King of booger-residue. She could be clubbing baby seals and the first thing people would see is how toned her abs look whilst swinging a bat.

Admittedly, the fact that she’s not really picking her nose makes it way less repulsive. But guess what? Johnny Depp really did drop out of high school to join a rock band, which is the aforementioned article’s way of advising readers to “Defy Convention” in order to stand out from the crowd. Which, when you think about it, doesn’t make a single bit of effing sense. You know what makes Johnny Depp dropping out of high school sexy? The Johnny Depp part of the equation.

Attractive people, like King Midas, make everything they touch attractive by proxy. Who are the most famous female athlete’s? Probably Anna Kournikova, Natalie Gulbis, and Danica Patrick. Or more accurately, the hot ones. Nevermind the dozens of Plain Janes who are better than they are. The general public doesn’t care if you’re the best at your sport as long as you look good doing it.

Which (coming full circle here) is why that list utterly fails — all of the things that supposedly came together to make the man that is Depp are trumped by the fact that being handsome is obviously what got him noticed in the first place. Even if this same old ‘be yourself’ mantra came from Depp himself, it would be just as flimsy. You know why? Because he’s Johnny friggin’ Depp and what works for him doesn’t work for everybody. Especially the mediocre-to-downright-repulsive schlubs poking through the internet for dating advice.

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