It’s Tuesday. For most people that means the day after Monday and the day before Humpday. For me that means new book day. Which, more often than not, means a “new” James Patterson release.

If you read that last sentence with a little hostility, you read wrong. There’s a lot of hostility. Not because on the cover his name completely dwarfs the person’s who actually wrote the book. Not because he grows richer and more successful by the minute without lifting a finger. It’s because week in and week out, I’m subjected to stuff like this:

For the sake of clarity, the book is called ‘Toys’. The tagline? “The one with the most toys… dies.” This is not a joke. This is real life. Someone thinks this is great book cover design. And this isn’t some isolated incident, oh no. Here’s just a sample of what he has to offer:

  • The 8th Confession “The Women’s Murder Club tracks a killer with a taste for the super rich.”
  • Worst Case “Detective Michael Bennett has 10 kids… and the toughest job in New York.”
  • Don’t Blink “You blink, you die.”
  • Swimsuit “It’s to die for.”
  • Cross Fire “Alex Cross gets married – and Kyle Craig is back.”

I know everybody needs to eat, but did someone actually get paid to come up with this? It’s like they played Mad Libs with a room full of morbid first graders. It’s like they fed a dog fortune cookies dipped in chocolate and went with whatever came out the other end. It’s like they let their worst enemies come up with a good taglines and did the opposite just to spite them.

Well guess what? I also need to eat and I can do that job. Just to prove how capable I am of churning out covers for budding Bestseller gold, here’s some mock-ups I consider Patterson-worthy.

Keep ’em, Jimmy. They’re on the house.

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