For those of you just joining me who didn’t see the previous post, here’s a quick rundown: I can’t grow enough facial hair to participate in No Shave November, but I have a gnarly head of hair right now that I want to get rid of so each day I’m cutting some off and sticking it to my face in a different style.
And I almost chickened out.
The sun was setting on November 1st and I hadn’t done anything. I had the first week all planned out, yet I was having trouble taking the plunge. At some point I decided I could at least get all two of my supplies together and then decide whether to bail from there. The scissors were easy enough and I had this special non-toxic adhesive meant for gluing costume stuff to faces that I’d never used.
Problem was, I couldn’t find it. I knew exactly what the box looked like, but it was nowhere to be found. I snapped my fingers in that “Oh darn” fashion even though I was a bit relieved I had an out. But then I started thinking about how piss poor it was. The day after Halloween? Every single one of the costume shops that just sprout from nowhere must be selling their stuff at half-price and they were sure to have some. “But I really don’t want to go out,” I told myself, to which myself replied, “Then find something else.” So I rechecked everything I own that conveniently fits into a 10′ x 12′ room, lo and behold I rediscovered a bunch of craft supplies and the answer I was looking for: rubber cement.
Don’t worry, I read the label thoroughly. It doesn’t say applying it to skin is harmful, only ingesting it and inhaling the fumes for too long is, which is perfectly suited for putting around my mouth and nose.
With that, I went into the bathroom, took out the scissors, and snipped a lock. With a pinch of hair betwixt my fingers, the rest was easy.
Even though it’s a tiny amount of hair, I literally instantly felt more masculine when it was stuck to my face. I can’t explain or rationalize it, that’s just what happened. Maybe it’s because looking in the mirror I saw an Asian Bruce Springsteen, ‘Murica shirt and all. Maybe because I’ve never grown a hair in that spot. Whatever it was, I knew it was all downhill. Or so I thought.
As it turns out, a little hair on top of the head translates to a ton on the face. The first few days I cut off at least twice as much as I needed. Granted the styles were small it wasn’t a lot wasted, but I began to realize I probably have more than enough hair to get me through the month, a good thing to know. I just can’t waste that much later on.
Okay so that one’s a bit rough. Something I figured out quickly, longer hair is way, way more difficult to style. They’re hard to keep straight and even harder to keep from bunching up once the glue’s on them. I decided pretty fast that if a particular style would be easy to make with long hair, I would style it first then stick it to my face, like so:
I’m funemployed so I have a lot of downtime for all these shenanigans, and I never really planned on going out in public with any of these. Then came a day when I had just finished one and was suddenly struck with hunger. Lucky me, I hadn’t gone grocery shopping in weeks so I was fresh out of everything. So out I went.
That’s obviously the worst excuse for facial hair imaginable. But somehow, I think people bought it because even some burly dudes were moving out of my way when I wasn’t even close to them and the older guy behind the register seemed to talk to me more like an adult, despite my wearing a Batman shirt. It was the craziest thing.
This is what I’ll look like in 10 years. The pedostache is strong in this one.
My first experiment with a full mustache didn’t go especially well. Not only does it lack the bushiness of its namesake peeking over my shoulder there, but it wasn’t functional in the slightest. I couldn’t open my mouth without getting jabbed with hairs in the nose or one getting in my mouth. New appreciation for the glory of the Jim Cain mustache was gained.
If you have no idea who that is, Google him. He’s a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything.
So that’s it. One week down, three to go. It’s going to get weird.