No Shave November: Week Two

Full disclosure, I missed more than a few days. My sleep schedule is nowhere close to normal to the point where I spent an hour today thinking it was Saturday and wondering where everyone was. It’s Friday, by the way. It’s not a great reason, but it is what it is. I pulled double duty on a few days to make up for it, though I’m still behind by a day. I’ll get there. Hopefully.

I went out to a party store last week and bought some of the adhesive I was missing that’s actually designed for holding on prosthetic noses and stuff, so I don’t have to worry as much about my skin falling off (I do, but more on that later). I was looking forward to trying it out right up until the moment I opened it. It smells completely awful. The rubber cement has that chemical, sterile scent but the spirit gum is so pungent it feels like it’s trying to invade your other five senses. But to its credit, it does what it’s supposed to — I can use the little brush to draw where I want hair to stick and it stays sticky until there’s something on it. Very helpful for layering more hair on top to make mustaches fuller and it gives me some breathing room to trim hair before it goes on.

So this weeks batch were a marked improvement I’d say, and not just because of the new stuff or the extra hair. After week one’s fumbles, I’m starting to hone in on the amount of hair I need for each one and different methods of recreating them. They were good enough to get some nice comments from my friends anyway. Thanks friends!

Image
Day Eight: Captain Hook

For this one, I realized some styles can be made before I stick them to my face. Since rubber cements dries fast, it worked in my favor this time. I was able to make them more or less symmetrical and even out the amount of hair in each wing. This will probably be the least patchy of them all.

And that’s my dog. She’s…. special.

Read more

The 5 Reasons You Aren’t Watching Parks and Recreation and Why They Are Stupid

Parks and Recreation is one of the best comedies on tv right now. It’s smart, it’s witty, it’s well written and all the other buzzwords people throw around to get you interested in their favorite shows. Are you watching it yet? Why not? Wait, don’t tell me. I think I know why. And now I will proceed to tell you your own reasons and why they are so stupid.

1. “It’s exactly like the Office, only different people and not as funny.”

If by “exactly like the Office” you mean it’s done in the Mockumentary style and centers on an overbearing boss that makes their employees uncomfortable at times, yes, it is exactly like the Office in the same way that you and Adolph Hitler are both human beings from the Planet Earth who have two arms and two legs [Ed note: sorry people missing limbs, also humanity]. Yes I could spend hours reciting the ways you and the Fuhrer are alike, but the truth is I can do the same telling you all the differences. And if I spend a measly half-hour every week hanging out with you, I’m pretty sure I’ll disassociate you with that terrible excuse for a person completely. See what I did there? You can do the same and see Parks and Rec for its own merits.

Also, let’s not pretend the Office didn’t hit a slump even before Michael Scott left. I could make an astoundingly accurate comparison to Germany, but I think I’ve been sufficiently offensive enough for you to keep reading.

2. “I’ve seen a few episodes and it wasn’t funny/I didn’t like it/it didn’t speak to me.”

You know what show was awesome? Breaking Bad. You know this and I know you know this even if you think you don’t. Because a month ago literally everyone was talking about it. No, that’s not what “literally” means, but to me “everyone” means “everyone I know” and everyone to me knew about how great it was because I REFUSED TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Also random companies were jumping on the #BreakingBadFinale advertising bandwagon absolutely free.  When something motivates those greedy, faceless corporations to promote a creative product receiving nothing in return simply to look good by vague association, that’s how you know it’s good.

But you didn’t really know how awesome it was, did you? Because you hadn’t been watching it consistently. Because you saw a few episodes here and there and though, “Eh.” Because by the time it got amazing it was far too late for you to get on board without looking like one of those pathetic piggybacking corporations.

Well I have good news. Parks and Recreation is somehow not that popular despite being consistently hilarious and amazing. It’s not too late. Take my hand, I’ll take you to a magical place where you can finally be part of the “I liked it before it was cool” crowd. We’ll sit at the ILIBIWC crowd tables with the rest of the ILIBIWC crowd and made witty pop culture references to the show that no one else around us will get and we will laugh heartily and genuinely and they will lament their inability to join our usual table in JJ’s Diner feasting on all bacon and eggs you have because they lack the digestive enzymes only years of exposure to Sweetums can provide.

If you don’t care at all about any of that stuff, just watch the first half of Season Three because that’s where they start hitting their stride. Eight episodes. Under four hours. Don’t pretend you don’t have time. You’re reading this.

Read more

No Shave November: Week One

For those of you just joining me who didn’t see the previous post, here’s a quick rundown: I can’t grow enough facial hair to participate in No Shave November, but I have a gnarly head of hair right now that I want to get rid of so each day I’m cutting some off and sticking it to my face in a different style.

And I almost chickened out.

The sun was setting on November 1st and I hadn’t done anything. I had the first week all planned out, yet I was having trouble taking the plunge. At some point I decided I could at least get all two of my supplies together and then decide whether to bail from there. The scissors were easy enough and I had this special non-toxic adhesive meant for gluing costume stuff to faces that I’d never used.

Problem was, I couldn’t find it. I knew exactly what the box looked like, but it was nowhere to be found. I snapped my fingers in that “Oh darn” fashion even though I was a bit relieved I had an out. But then I started thinking about how piss poor it was. The day after Halloween? Every single one of the costume shops that just sprout from nowhere must be selling their stuff at half-price and they were sure to have some. “But I really don’t want to go out,” I told myself, to which myself replied, “Then find something else.” So I rechecked everything I own that conveniently fits into a 10′ x 12′ room, lo and behold I rediscovered a bunch of craft supplies and the answer I was looking for: rubber cement.

Don’t worry, I read the label thoroughly. It doesn’t say applying it to skin is harmful, only ingesting it and inhaling the fumes for too long is, which is perfectly suited for putting around my mouth and nose.

With that, I went into the bathroom, took out the scissors, and snipped a lock. With a pinch of hair betwixt my fingers, the rest was easy.

Image
Day One: soul patch

Even though it’s a tiny amount of hair, I literally instantly felt more masculine when it was stuck to my face. I can’t explain or rationalize it, that’s just what happened. Maybe it’s because looking in the mirror I saw an Asian Bruce Springsteen, ‘Murica shirt and all. Maybe because I’ve never grown a hair in that spot. Whatever it was, I knew it was all downhill. Or so I thought.

Read more

No More No No-Shave November

[Editor’s Note: Mom, stop reading this. Or skip to ‘More backround’]

Background

Tomorrow is the first day of November. If you’re 35 years old or younger, you may know it as the beginning of No-Shave November. If you’re older than 35, you may know it as Movember from a few years back when some soulless politician attempted to hijack the just-for-fun movement and turn it into some social awareness crap. Something about prostate awareness. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anyone being aware of my prostate but me and whichever unfortunate doctor I choose in the next decade. Maybe my future wife (that lucky lady).

But for me it means only one thing: shame.

I can’t grow facial hair. It’s my genetics. Technically yes, hair grows on my face, but you’ll never see it unless you’re in kissing distance (because that happens ever). I can’t grow anything close to a mustache or a beard; you could rally all the thick hairs on my face to one spot and they’d still be a pretty sad soul patch. I could call it No Shave Forever if I didn’t opt to shave…. other places. Some days, I literally pluck my chin and say a farewell to each hair by name. You get the idea.

I’m sure some of you guys know what i’m talking about. But does this disability make you less of a man? Are our masculinity meters smaller than other dudes? Can anyone really make fun of us for something we have no control over?

Yes. It does, they are, and they can and will.

Well I’m sick of it. Sick of this month laughing in my silky smooth face, tired of the teasing and torment, finished with the follicle follies at my expense. I’m calling for a ban of No-Shave November.

Nah, just kidding.

More background

Truth is, I hear guys complaining all the time about having to shave and it doesn’t bother me one bit that I don’t have to live through that hassle. The hair on my legs and arms is pretty scarce too (none to speak of on the torso) and when people ask if I shave, they’re generally jealous when I tell them it’s just nature.

Even still, I’ve found myself wondering what it would be like to have a sweet ‘stache or bitchin’ beard. I’d think, “One day, probably when I’m too old to care, that fu manchu will be an option. And I’ll grow it because I’m too old to care and kids will be like, “That guy must be wise” and I’ll yell at them to get off my lawn because they’ll be trying to get a closer look.” And then I realized the answer has been right in front of my eyes the whole time. Or more accurately, above, behind, and to the side of my eyes.

You see, I can grow a mean-ass head of hair.

Image
Pictured: mean-ass head of hair

These locks have been the envy of countless women and balding men over the years. And thanks to a summer at camp, I have a lot of it right now. Not as much as back then, but enough to make a small ponytail.

Or a beard of my own.

Now I know what you’re thinking, so let me go ahead and nip that morality weed in the practicality bud. Yes that’s my real hair in the picture. No I didn’t do anything special to it. Yes I donated it to Locks of Love. And no, I can’t donate the hair currently on my head to Locks of Love because it’s too short. About 4 inches too short actually, which is bare minimum three more months of growing which I have no desire to do. Yes I could still send it to them and they’ll sell it off if they can and use the proceeds for other stuff; but there’s a good chance they’ll also just dump it because it’s too shampooed. Because apparently that’s a thing. So why risk it when there’s entertainment to be had?

Enough background

So this year, I will finally take part in No-shave November in a roundabout way. Every day this month, I’m going to cut a chunk of hair from my head and glue it to my face. For maximum effect, I’ll start small (soul patch) and work my way into more elaborate things (handlebar) and hopefully culminate with a full face on the 30th (beard).

Granted, I have no idea how much hair each one is going to take, so I may end up running out of hair halfway through, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. All else fails, I can probably save and reuse hair from previous days. Or steal other peoples’ hair. But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

So there it is, the master plan. Don’t worry, there won’t be this many words next time. Just pictures. Keep an eye on my instagram, twitter, or facebook for those. Or just check back in a month. They’ll be here. Probably.

The calm before the storm. Or is it apathy? Maybe self-loathing.
The calm before the storm. Or is it apathy? Maybe self-loathing.

Incredibly Reasonable Resolutions

Every year people try to get a fresh start in life by making resolutions. Work out more, be nicer to people, eat healthier, stuff like that. And every year like clockwork, people fail miserably at living up to those initial expectations. Why? My theory is they’re setting the bar too high. They’ll get in that first workout and be sore for a week so they end up never jumping back on the treadmill. They get in a fender bender and convince themselves this is the one time it’s okay to be mean. They forget to plan a lunch in advance and end up hitting McDonald’s because it’s convenient. They set themselves up to fail and by then they’ve stopped caring anyway. They make excuses.

Well this year I’m setting the bar low. Like, midget limbo low. And I encourage you to do the same. Why? Um, because it’ll be easy. So I ask, why not?

1. Brush your teeth everyday

Initially I was going to say shower, but I did the math (not really) and realized that 365 showers is a lot of water to waste and there are times when a shower isn’t handy, like when camping or…. camping. So I went with dental hygiene instead. Whether it happens first thing in the morning or last at night, there’s really no excuse.

Okay, losing your toothbrush might be an excuse, but it’s a bad one.

2. Read one book

I worked at a bookstore for about eight months and I thought having a sizable employee discount and the ability to “check out” books for 2 weeks at a time would get me to finally read one. Boy was I wrong. Maybe it was the restaurant effect where being around it all the time makes you sick of it, but I never got past a first chapter. In any case, that should change this year. Probably.

Note: comic books don’t count.

3. Wash the car

Never happened. Well over a year now. It’s just sad.

4. Go on a date

Also never happened. And it was a complete lack of trying. Also sad.

5. Write something (complete) every week

This should be the hardest one of the bunch even though it’s basically all I do. Luckily it’s Sunday so this counts. Off to a good start.

Onward!